The Film School Reject

_posted in dayedayerocks | education | film | 27 April 2008

"Two Keys"    painting credit: Daye Rogers

It's official. I am a film school reject. Last week I was officially denied. After contacting the powers that be I was told that "while [my] interview was wonderful" my academic past is what put the nail in the proverbial coffin. My time at Georgia State University, many many years ago, seems to be something I can't escape. The usual suspects, Antero, Buffi, Cathie, Peter and Van have been extremely supportive in equally trashing UCLA with me, as well as expressing their support and belief in me. Words could never express my appreciation for their support.

I don't know where this leaves things. On August 29th it will be 4 years that I left my home, with my grandparents standing on the front porch waving goodbye. Four years that fit into a 15 minute interview - that I should be proud that I received by the way since I was one of only 32 people interviewed from at least 1500 people. Well good for me. That will always mean jack shit, as in nothing.

So now I'm free to create a new 4 year plan that may result in yet another disappointment, move on to another city, cultivate what I can here and see what happens, reapply to UCLA again in November, or move back to Atlanta. There are obviously many routes I can take but right now I'm focusing on trying to mourn as dignified as I can on this dream of UCLA Film School for Fall 2008 until it doesn't hurt when I think about it.

I haven't had that much time to think about it honestly, since I've been busy painting for a small joint show I'm putting on at SCOOPS, which starts today. But once the apartment is cleaned and the art supplies are all put away I'll have to sit down and actually address this failure. And it's not solely my own, but that of UCLA's as well. It isn't ego that says that, rather resolve that I was the right person and they couldn't see beyond mistakes made in my youth. Sometimes there really aren't any second chances. But then again, Randy Pausch says, "But remember, the brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They're there to stop the other people."

I wanted this badly enough that I left my family and my friends to move across the country to a city that is overcrowded, expensive and that I hate tremendously. I wanted this badly enough that I spent wasted time in classes at a community college that's more of a joke than anything else. I wanted this badly enough that I spent money I didn't have on a $3000 camera. And the truth is I still want it. Badly.

While film school is not a necessity going back to school is. Part of my life's goal is filmmaker but another part, teaching, requires this dream of continued education to come to fruition.

But in all that I can't forget that I have a massive project that will be my something wonderful. The more I think of the Black Cloud, the more I realize that it's that thing thats going to help me evolve enough to be able to fly over my current brick wall.