_posted in dayedayerocks | 05 October 2007

this afternoon i talked about things i've never really talked about to anyone, not even those within my family. there are few people i trust implicitly, but im lucky enough to have at least one friend i can put that burden upon. there are few who may get very abbreviated moments of my life, but those are few and far between.

i've never known how to be a forgiving person when it came down to those life changing moments. im at a point where that no longer bothers me. i would rather except the fact that i leave open ended pain in my wake. this is an admittance of my failings.

i've learned that all things i do, i do too heartily. i love too much when i shouldn't love at all. i give more than i get back because i was raised in such a manner, yet i find i am resentful when i do not receive a modicum of consideration. i am more of a reactionary than i am a measured individual in my approach to life. when i dislike a person i do it with no plans to ever allow for another opinion of them. if my favor is lost very early on it is lost forever. once again, too hearty in my approach.

those i truly loved first and still find room to be angry with, have never and will never lose my favor. this, i feel is a redeeming factor. this i learned as a child. those few years we spend as children dictate our entire adulthood. flaw or not, it was one of the few emotional lessons i received. finding room for those things that should have been given to us early in our lives, is hard to do now when you've already began cramming in life's lessons.

i do not trust those who so readily share their lives and their stories upon a new found friendship. this too was learned in childhood. there are reasons skeletons are in closets. when you grow up in a home with multiple closets, all filled, you learn that there is some safety in never opening those doors. once they are opened, there really is no turning back.

_soundcheck: miles davis: kind of blue